Dear God

Right now, I would like to talk about my daddy. I think you took him away too soon. He was a great daddy for many years of my life. I was so sad and so angry when he made choices that drew him away from me, but that doesn't make the years that were so special any less special.

God, I want my daddy back. He never got the chance to finish what he started and he taught me that it is always important to finish what you start. I am not ready to live my life without my daddy as I have always been daddy's little girl. I am not ready to give up hope of walking down the aisle or having my children know their grandpa, because I know he would be an amazing grandpa, like he was such a great daddy to me when I was little.

It is not fair that he was so afflicted, that his heart was so good but the temptations in this world were too much for him to overcome, that he became trapped inside a body that no longer could control itself and that he no longer had control over.

God please help me to forgive the people that helped the demons that haunted him and bless the people that tried to help him.

God please bless my mommy for all she did for the love of her life. I know that he did not turn out this way for lack of her trying. I know they love each other with all their hearts and that nothing, no amount of alcohol or evil world influence could ever change that. And thank you God for showing me what that love is.

But really God, I would do anything to have my daddy back. I want him to not be in pain. I want those years back that we drifted apart. If I pray a million times a day, and tell myself that this didn't happen, can you please make it true? I miss my daddy more than I ever thought I would. I forgive him for hurting me and my mommy and my brother. I just need my daddy, please. I know you are supposed to know what is best and that I am supposed to trust you and know that he is happier, but this pain hurts so much. My heart is more broken than I ever remember it being. I knew he would die, but I am not ready for this. I have been grieving for him for so long but it was a different kind of grief. I always hoped he would get better and be my real daddy again but you took that hope away from me this weekend, God. How am I supposed to get on without that hope when that is what I focused on for so long?

God, should I have answered more phone calls? Should I have supported him like he asked? Would it have made any difference? Would he at least still be alive? What if I could have done something and didn't? Does that make me one of those people that helped his demons? Dear God, I never meant to. I was trying to protect myself, but what if I was too selfish? What if I was wrong?

God I want my daddy back more than anything. He is my daddy and always will be. I want one more ride on his shoulders, one more piggy back, one more walk with the dogs, one more dance on his toes, one more Thanksgiving dinner, just one more hug. Please God, please let me be my daddy's little girl one more time.

If you can see him right now, please make sure he knows how much I love him. And that I know how much he loved me, even if we were both not always able to show it.

I want him to be happy. I want to make him proud. I am not ready to let go of my hope. Please don't make me. Please fix this God. It is not right right now. He is too young, it is not okay.

Please let me know what you can do about this, God. I really need an answer soon.

I love you too, God, but I am sad you took him away from me before I was ready. I am not mad at you, but I can't say I am not questioning you because, right or wrong, I am. I am still a little girl, God. I am not ready to live without my daddy.

Sincerely
My Daddy's Little Girl

Its changed

I had to write a sonnet about love for my Craft of Poetry class (I know, terrible, ironic, torture is pretty much what it boils down to) and had no intention of wanting to think about love at all. So here is what I came up with instead:

And so I am left alone deciding
What I am going to say
To those four boys that keep on fighting
My love they are trying to sway

“I have a choice,” but I really don’t
“I like you all,” I could explain
“I will decide” but I really won’t
This is such a pain

Chocolates, jewelry, candy, and flowers
For me his “little daisy”
Love letters portraying my seductive powers
And how the others are crazy

I could just tell them all to quit
But what fun would that be
Its better just to watch them hit
And kick and scream for me

So while their friendship fills with rifts
I will do what I do and collect the gifts.

It will do.......I suppose

Top Ten Things to Change in My Home

In response to my aunt's blog about top ten things to Prest-O Change about her home which mostly included getting new things and upgrading to practical conveniences, I would like to post my impractical conveniences which I have probably because I am still at an age where I can pretend that anything is possible and have not quite hit reality.

1. A self cleaning Home--this includes dusting itself, doing any dirty laundry, folding it, putting it away, vacuuming, refinishing the wood floors, scrubbing the walls and floors. Some people call this a maid but personnally I don't want an actual person seeing how messy things can get.
2. A Monet for my dining room.
3. An electric fire place on the wall that separates the kitchen and living room.
4. I would like to turn our carriage shed into a guest house.
5. I would like to impose a house law that the only video games allowed are those provided on Wii sports and Wii fit.
6. I would also like to impose a house law that the only music allowed would be country and classical music. Classic rock allowed before 8:00 p.m. and of course holiday music allowed when appropriate.
7. The kitchen, guest bedroom, dining room, and living room all need painted tranquil, relaxing hues.
8. A complete renovation of the upstairs bathroom including new flooring, a new claw-footed tub, and a new sink
9. Seal the basement to have it refinished and undestroyed by flooding.
10. Get an energy efficient furnace and perhaps install some skylights.


P.S. Presidential debates were completely won (once again) by Team Obama.

Quick Funny Story

We had early voting on my college campus. I did not participate because I have already requested an absentee ballot from my own county, but the Campus Democrats did not think that was a good enough reason to hold off on casting my ballot on that day. I believe it was Campus Democrat approach number 853 that sent me over the edge and I threatened "if one more of you tries to get me hug the guy in the donkey suit or tries to persuade me to vote early I am going to march in there and vote a straight Republican ticket." Apparently word got around because that was the last time I was approached all day. Of course, I could never vote democrat for the a certain representative anyway because the guy looks exactly like a child molester from the '70's and he happens to be one of many idiots.

Mental Issues

So, I was talking to one of my friends tonight about what mental problems we probably have. Here are mine:

OCD about office issues: It REALLY pisses me off when people staple things crookedly, put things in the wrong files, or generally don't do exactly what I ask them to do, how I ask them to do it.

Superficial: I don't like talking to anyone that I would consider ugly simply because I don't want to be affiliated with them. Internal beauty comes later. I realized that my superficiality is the reason I don't stay friends with people very long.

Anger: I don't ever really talk about my anger, I just redirect it into my OCD, Power issues, and superficiality.

Power: I like to be in charge of everyone and everything.

Materialism: I love having money and stuff. Love it. And work a bajillion hours to get it.

I like to find flaws in people just so I can try to fix them. Maybe this is the power thing. I just have an inner desire for everyone to be perfect!

Haha...well I seem to get along alright anyway.

P.S. This was just for fun.