Dear God

Right now, I would like to talk about my daddy. I think you took him away too soon. He was a great daddy for many years of my life. I was so sad and so angry when he made choices that drew him away from me, but that doesn't make the years that were so special any less special.

God, I want my daddy back. He never got the chance to finish what he started and he taught me that it is always important to finish what you start. I am not ready to live my life without my daddy as I have always been daddy's little girl. I am not ready to give up hope of walking down the aisle or having my children know their grandpa, because I know he would be an amazing grandpa, like he was such a great daddy to me when I was little.

It is not fair that he was so afflicted, that his heart was so good but the temptations in this world were too much for him to overcome, that he became trapped inside a body that no longer could control itself and that he no longer had control over.

God please help me to forgive the people that helped the demons that haunted him and bless the people that tried to help him.

God please bless my mommy for all she did for the love of her life. I know that he did not turn out this way for lack of her trying. I know they love each other with all their hearts and that nothing, no amount of alcohol or evil world influence could ever change that. And thank you God for showing me what that love is.

But really God, I would do anything to have my daddy back. I want him to not be in pain. I want those years back that we drifted apart. If I pray a million times a day, and tell myself that this didn't happen, can you please make it true? I miss my daddy more than I ever thought I would. I forgive him for hurting me and my mommy and my brother. I just need my daddy, please. I know you are supposed to know what is best and that I am supposed to trust you and know that he is happier, but this pain hurts so much. My heart is more broken than I ever remember it being. I knew he would die, but I am not ready for this. I have been grieving for him for so long but it was a different kind of grief. I always hoped he would get better and be my real daddy again but you took that hope away from me this weekend, God. How am I supposed to get on without that hope when that is what I focused on for so long?

God, should I have answered more phone calls? Should I have supported him like he asked? Would it have made any difference? Would he at least still be alive? What if I could have done something and didn't? Does that make me one of those people that helped his demons? Dear God, I never meant to. I was trying to protect myself, but what if I was too selfish? What if I was wrong?

God I want my daddy back more than anything. He is my daddy and always will be. I want one more ride on his shoulders, one more piggy back, one more walk with the dogs, one more dance on his toes, one more Thanksgiving dinner, just one more hug. Please God, please let me be my daddy's little girl one more time.

If you can see him right now, please make sure he knows how much I love him. And that I know how much he loved me, even if we were both not always able to show it.

I want him to be happy. I want to make him proud. I am not ready to let go of my hope. Please don't make me. Please fix this God. It is not right right now. He is too young, it is not okay.

Please let me know what you can do about this, God. I really need an answer soon.

I love you too, God, but I am sad you took him away from me before I was ready. I am not mad at you, but I can't say I am not questioning you because, right or wrong, I am. I am still a little girl, God. I am not ready to live without my daddy.

Sincerely
My Daddy's Little Girl