Egg Timer

I have been cleaning out my grandma's apartment since she passed away almost a month ago. Going through her things has been extremely difficult. At first, my mom was there with me. We would go through things for awhile, then hit a wall and have to stop. Regardless, there was very little crying, we were on a mission to get things done. It has been that way, even after my mom left. I can't stop to think about the things I am doing to my grandma's home that she meticulously arranged. As I have been dividing things up, I try to determine what best suits which family member. Many things, I cannot bear to let go of, yet. While my mom was still here helping, we were going through things in her kitchen. My grandma had three egg timers with the sand inside them. My mom asked if I wanted any of them and I told her just the one that gets clogged.

We continued cleaning things out, sharing stories here and there about things in the house that we remember and stories that those things reminded us of. We tried to avoid talking about Grandma being gone permanently. Frequently we talked about how it was hard to just keep going through everything without her.

After a few hours, we were finally packing up those egg timers. My mom asked me why I wanted the one that didn't work properly. I told her the same reason that I have loved that egg timer for years, "Because time stops."

I feel like that's what I need sometimes. I need time to stop. I need time to take a break so that I can take a break and not feel like I am wasting time. It goes so quickly, but to where? What happens to time after it is gone? Does it go to the same place we go when we are gone? I picture it just slipping away like a silvery whisp, as unattainable and untouchable as the souls that leave bodies behind. We cannot keep track of time, it keeps track of us. Is it sad because it is constantly going somewhere never to return or is it wiser because it keeps moving forward, never stopping? Right now, I still stare at the timer that is stuck about halfway through.