Things I Had Before

As Christmas is quickly approaching, I'm studying for finals (or should be, instead of writing this. . . ), figuring out what to get for family and friends, and trying to answer the questions of what I want for Christmas.

This year I've discovered Amazon wish list, which I have stocked with items to fill my new found adulthood desires (a vacuum that you don't have to push?  Duh, of course I need that).  The strange thing is, though, that everything I want for Christmas doesn't show up on my wish list.  

Everything I want are things that I used to have.  I want my memories to manifest themselves as little worlds that I could go back to and hang out in whenever I felt the need to ride my bike along side my dad while he ran, or call up my mom and not have the word Cancer be part of the conversation.  I want a moment where I feel Nonnie, my grandma, wrapping me up in a towel after a swim.  I want an argument with my other Grandma about whether or not Obama should be king of the world.  I want a tree in my front yard that I can climb and hang out in when I'm having a rough day.

I had so many years where sad things happened to people around me but it was like I was invincible.  My pain was trivial and even then I had such an appreciation for that.

I am so profoundly grateful for the people that are in my life, who have helped me through struggles.  I am so grateful for my families who continue to look out for me.

Now being in law school, my classmates and I are defined as Law Students, and that's how I thought of everyone before me who I knew was in law school.  Now being in that bubble, every person in there is not just a Law Student, every person has a family and a life outside that complicates things just a bit.  Law school would be pretty easy if it were three isolated years of studying.  I'm thankful for the humanity that I've found in my classmates and even some of my professors.

Even with all that I am learning and loving about law school, I still want a moment of pure wonder where I believe that Rudolph will guide Santa's sleigh, and that if I just took the television screen off, I could crawl in to be part of my favorite shows.

Now I look forward to the future and what I want next but there is a continual struggle of wishing things were a little bit more like they used to be.

One thing that hasn't changed about my Christmas list since I was able to speak, I guess, is that I still want a pony.