How Long?

Another night I can't sleep. Water overflows the floodbanks and streaks my face. At least I washed it and there aren't black mascara marks. What is this? Is it stress? fear? anger? sadness? How did I get here? How long does it take to get back?

Everyone is asking me if I am going abroad next year. No, I'm not. I couldn't get the application in on time. Why not? Oh my dad died. I hate saying that. I am not looking for sympathy when I say it and that's what it sounds like to me. But what's worse? Family issues sounds like something that requires therapists and medicine. Saying I was gone for three weeks out of the semester doesn't make any sense either and it leads right back to the truth. My dad died.

I hate talking about it. I hate not talking about it. I can't watch movies where people die without bawling for the next three hours. When I hear about people dying, I want to bawl for three hours. I don't want to be around anyone that drinks. I don't want to spend my time with people who have addictions. I don't know if it is because it makes me angry that they waste their time, money, efforts, love on things that will never give anything back, or if it reminds me of my dad too much to accept at this point.

I think about him every day. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him or if he can see me. I don't konw if I feel guilty for not talking to him before he died or if I am angry that he put me in the position to have to choose college or talking to him.

I want to know so much about him. There are so many questions I never got to ask him. I miss his laugh. I can hardly remmember it. I want to hear his laugh. I remember his smile--his sober smile. I can hear his voice on recordings, but I want to hear his laugh! He was the funniest guy I have ever met...granted I was partial to my dad's sense of humor, but He could make me laugh at the dumbest things. We had dreams of opening a restaurant one day. Maybe it was just one of those things we talked about, but it meant something to me.

He saved every card I ever gave him. He saved every note I ever wrote him.
I want him back. How long does this last? How long does it take before it quits hurting so much to think about him. How long do I have to wish that I could talk to him before I finally understand that I can't? How many typical twenty-somethings do I have to alienate before I get over my fear of people drinking? How long will it be before I can have fun again? How long will it take me to find out who I am without my dad? It doesn't matter how big or little a role he played in my life, he was still out there, and in many ways still a part of my life. Now he's gone. Now what do I do, and how long will it take me to figure it out?!

People try to tell me there is no heaven. I hope with all my heart mind and soul that there is a heaven. I want my daddy to be there right now. If you don't think there is a heaven, don't tell me. For God's sake I will not debate religion with you. I need to believe what I believe to keep me from breaking down. Don't tell me there's no heaven. I don't care what you believe.

Maybe I need my own twelve step program to figure out just how long it takes to be normal.

What a day

Okay so my intention this weekend was to get my Philosophy paper done on Saturday so I would not stay up all night Sunday doing it for its Monday due date.

You know what they say about good intentions...

So I had room draw today which is extremely stressful if you have never been through such a thing. As I had not until today (lived off campus last year and they don't make you do room draw in such situations). So, you get your "randomly assigned" room draw number like five months in advance so you have plenty of time to freak out about how many people in your year have better room draw numbers than you and what the odds are of getting a single. Then a week in advance they post the floor plans in a scary, psych ward-like hallway and every one's names on a list that is very difficult to read. There are the actual room draw numbers, then there are the numbers of how many people there are, then there are the numbers of what year someone is and it takes the whole week to figure out exactly what this frigin thing means.
So finally it is room draw day and you show up on time in a packed room with the floor plans on the walls and all your planning goes out the windows because all the good rooms are taken. Duh, why should you expect anything else? And on top of this, there are student helpers coming in and checking off rooms that are taken by previous students and this supposedly happens in "real time..." But you still have a decent shot at getting a decent single, so now you just sweat it out for another forty five min until they call your number. Then you go into another room full of sweaty college students still hung over from Saturday night's Underwear Ball, get your sticker, then try to find somewhere to put it on the floor plans in that room. Walk out of the room through the exit door, end up outside, and wonder what the hell just happened and where am I living next year?

So after that stress, I got home and had an email that my professor wanted a paper that was supposed to be due Tuesday...TONIGHT. So I quick write that paper. It's a rough draft so no harm done if it is terrible but still, it was seven pages of stream of consciousness about a murder in a psych ward. (reoccurring theme in my life right now...psych wards???)

Watched Amazing Race and was very critical of everyone.

Couldn't get people to stop talking to me online and on the phone. "Are you watching the Amazing Race?" I WAS DAMN IT BEFORE YOU CALLED AND INTERRUPTED --WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!?! ...aka.. "Yeah, what's up?"

So then I realize that I have not received my Rosetta Stone which I was supposed to have received about three weeks ago. Call the company. They can't find my order. Call my mom. Her card had not been charged. Call the company. Reorder Rosetta Stone. Thank Rahim and get my order number so I can track it this time.

It is now 9:10 pm and I still need to finish my Philosophy paper. Only Six Pages to go....too bad this one can't be stream of consciousness.
Damnitdamnitdamnit.

Summer Top Ten

Top ten things I am looking forward to this summer!!

1. Spending a couple of months in California with my family. Relaxing, working, and reconnecting!

2. No classes!! I am in desperate need of a break that does not leave the threat of imminent return hanging over my head. I am tired of classes, homework, and papers. Check please?

3. Related to number one...getting out of the Midwest... I need a fresh outlook...hopefully two months will be enough :-)

4. Warm weather. No matter where I am I will definitely be enjoying the sunshine. I have missed it dearly.

5. Learning Spanish. Got Rosetta Stone coming in the mail...excited to try this baby out!

6. Getting a tan. I'm tired of fake baking, give me some REAL vitamin D

7. Big Brother. It is just not summer without my favorite television show ever!!!!!

8. My Birthday!!! Okay, so it's not really a big one but I will officially be able to say, "that happened like 20 years ago" and I will have been alive.

9. Learning something new. It never fails, summer is a way better time to learn things about yourself than during the school year.

10. Roadtrip with whoever is brave enough to drive with me to California! Sure it's a long and boring drive, but it's still a roadtrip!!!!!

well it's been a while

I have been super stressed and busy so I have not had time to post and even when I did, I felt I didn't have a long enough story to tell.

I still don't.

Hopefully will update soon.

:-D