I hope for less

Over the past week, people who I care about tremendously from my home town have suffered horrible losses.  Both of the deaths that occurred to leave the feeling of emptiness and confusion were also people that I cared greatly about.  I cared about them because they were amazing individuals who would have given the shirt off their backs if you asked.  They were both very different men, in the way they lived their lives, but their hearts were both huge.  Each man deserves his own recognition, separate from the other.  They should not be given half the praise because they are connected by dying at a similar time.  We should never be defined by death.  But now that they are gone, the living must go on, even if it's one shuffle at a time.

My true heartache goes to those who are left to suffer the repercussions of their deaths.  Amazing and wonderful people are left to pick up the pieces and figure out how to march on with their own lives without the life of their husband, father, brother, friend.  I am sad for the situations that created this loss.  I am sad for those who are gone, but I am overcome with grief for my friends living an entirely new life.

I just cannot find a way to express how much I wish I could cure the pain.

I have seen three Facebook statuses today asking we all want more of in 2014.  While thinking about it I realized that everything that I want more of comes by wanting less.

I want less pain in 2014.
I want less loss.
I want less stuff in 2014, as simplicity is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
I want less MUST DOs so that we can enjoy our why nots.
I want less leaving behind in 2014 even with our moving forward.
I want less pressure to remember the good times so that the good times can just be.
I want less sadness, fewer reasons for grief, fewer broken hearts.
I certainly want less confusion.
I want less distance between those we love and ourselves.  

I want a lot less.

Wanting more is what's left me here.

So here's to living a lot better with a lot less.

Gratitude.

I tried to write a Christmas letter to put into my Christmas card this year, but I couldn't figure out how to put this year into a holiday letter.  Do I write everything?  I can't do that because some things are sad and don't belong in a letter that starts off, "Merry Christmas!"
Do I write only the good things?  I can't do that either because, well then it would be such a fake letter. So, the few Christmas cards I send out will be sent sans letter.  While I was thinking about writing that letter, though, I thought a lot about what I might include, if I wrote one.  Despite all of the things that happened this year, I can't help but find that, even though I am terrified of moving forward, I have so much to be thankful for - and I feel those feelings of gratitude more deeply than anything else right now.  These are in no particular order - no one is allowed to get cranky over where I placed my thankfulness.

I am so thankful for my fiancé.  We didn't make it through having my mom and her tumor live with us completely unscathed, but we learned from the scars we exchanged.  I have a deeper understanding of him, who he is, and who he wants to become - and I love every part of that.  When I have days where there is nothing more I can give to the world, he doesn't feel sorry for me.  He pushes me to get out and do something, even if it's just for myself.  I am grateful that he is willing to commit himself to me.  I am grateful to have that security.  I am so grateful for that love.

I am thankful for my friends from school.  School was brutal this semester.  Starting out the year trying to figure out classes while taking care of my mom was nearly impossible.  Doing homework on top of that was sometimes too much to ask.  In law school, where getting a good grade means other people have to do poorly, competition is inherent in the culture.  Finding good friends who aren't mentally competing against you can come few and far between.  I am incredibly lucky to have found three amazing ladies who have pushed me through this semester and have given me more notes and assistance than I could have ever asked for.   They have not just been there academically, they came to support me when my mom passed.  They came to support me when she was still around.  When I couldn't get home, one of them even came and hung out with my mom for me.  One of them helped me go through old pictures and even helped me put furniture together.  The other was willing to sing for my mom and my family at her funeral.  I am honored that these three ladies are my friends.

I am thankful for my fiancé's family.  They have always been people that I love and care about and enjoy spending time with, but they have really taken me under their wings this year.  I always considered them family in my mind, but having such a small nuclear family growing up and being such a private person, I never really knew what it was like to add people to that category in my heart.  I am finally feeling like they are more than just my fiancé's family - I finally feel like they are becoming my family not only in the way I think of them, but in the way I feel about them.  (Okay I can't help but put a terrible not funny to most people but funny to me joke in here - with my family dropping like flies, it's good I can branch out! - sorry, I won't do it again).

I am thankful for my family.  I'm not just thankful for them in the way that many people are thankful for their families - I am thankful that I have been able to develop relationships with my family members so that they are becoming my friends.  Being an adult with family members as close friends is amazing.  Seeing as how I have a giant family, it's hard to go through everyone and why I am grateful for them without spending a year writing that post but my uncles and aunts and cousins are so special to me.  After losing my grandmas and my parents, I really feel the value of my family members more than ever.  They are my ties to those who I miss, the are my co-commiserators, my fellow adventurers, my cheerleaders, and my checkpoints.  I am so lucky to have a family that "gets" me.

I am so thankful for everyone who has supported me even what may seem like small ways.  My mock trial team, my classmates, my acquaintances have gone out of their way to be supportive of me, offer condolences, get me out of my own head, and pick up slack where I left it.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

I am grateful for where I live, that I have the opportunity to be in law school, that I have great career opportunities presenting themselves, and that I get to grow a bit more, every single day.

This year may have had many trials but for me, it is really ending all about gratitude.  I have countless things and people to be thankful for and that adds overwhelming beauty to my life.

Thank you all.  Thank you all, for everything, because every little thing has made such a difference in my life.