Who I have become

I can't watch The Walking Dead, I can't watch Game of Thrones, I hear a lot of people die, that fans really love.  I could watch Dexter, until (spoiler alert) Rita was killed, then I had to quit after I completely lost my mind.  Characters I love die = can't watch that show.

It seems reasonable to me.  I have been through loss enough that my escape from real life doesn't need to include the same.  It apparently does not seem reasonable to everyone around me.

That's fine.

Really.

But then again, crazy shit happens, and I read about it every day at work.  Or I hear about it.  Or I see it on a video.  Or I hear about it on an audio.  And it doesn't phase me.  My reaction becomes, "Let's get that a**hole!"  I have no fear, no tears, and definitely no reservations.  I know what I am doing and why I want to do it.  It a court of law, of course!!!

I don't expect anyone to "get" where I am coming from with these things.  My experiences are not normal.  My emotions are rather irrational because of that.  And it could go either way.  Some stupid things make me ecstatic about living and others make me so devastated I could sleep for days.

But I am also planning my wedding. I am just so much less tied to the ceremony of it all, but the little things still matter to me.  It's an admittedly bizarre set of emotions that I am struggling with, and (God Bless him) so is my fiancé.

At my bridal shower, the guests were so excited about my wedding.  Like lose their minds, weddings are the best things on the planet, excited.

My reaction was, I think, disappointing.  I'm just not excited for my wedding.

There is SO MUCH to do!  And I like things done right.

There are SO MANY people to make happy!  And I just don't care.  But I do.  Or I should.  And I can't figure that out.

That's the thing.  I am not sure what emotions are normal anymore.  I have made jokes about being an orphan and cried about tying ribbons on spice jars by myself.  I have no emotionally normal state, anymore, when it comes to this wedding thing.

The reality is, my wedding will never be what I want it to be.  I could have ten million dollars to spend on a wedding and it would not be perfect.  I miss my parents and I want them there.  I do not want to walk down the aisle without them.  But I want to be married, and it's important to so many people that they are there to support it.

And sometimes it's important to me that they are there.  And sometimes, it isn't.

I guess, it's just important to me that people want to be there (and know I feel like I am a spoiled brat being the center of attention), but if they can't be, it's okay.

Everything I feel, my emotions are also feeling the dichotomy of the same feeling.

This is who I am.

I don't know who I am.

I am happy to be moving forward.  I am sad to be moving forward.   I am shocked that there is a forward to move toward.