It's two a.m. and I am thinking about the same thing I think about every moment of every day. My dad. Sometimes the thoughts sit comfortably at the back of my mind, sometimes I remember the good things, sometimes I do things exactly like he would have done them and think of him. Right now, I can't seem to think of anything other than the fact that he is gone. He was and is such a huge part of me and everything I do. How can it be possible that his body no longer exists...anywhere? His smile, his never fading dark hair and tan, his mind are all just gone. And for what? What purpose was served by the way he died? I don't understand how he could have left me for the alcohol emotionally first and, eventually, physically too.

It doesn't matter if a person is five, nineteen, or forty-five, if a parent makes any conscious decision that puts something else before their kids, the person will somehow blame themselves for not being good enough. I have seen it in every part of my life. My family and closest friends that are lacking parents in one way or another blame themselves in some way. Whether the parent lacks realistic thinking, drinks all the time, or even chose another family, the children are stuck seeking that parent's approval and attention. It doesn't matter how good or bad the parent is that is around, just that the other one would be if we, the kids, were just a bit better.

Eventually we get tired of trying to impress a parent who fixates on something else which is, seemingly, more important than us. We get angry. But should we resolve that anger and go ahead with the best relationship that is possible? Or do we stay angry and hope things get better in the long run. But what if there is no long run? How, then, to we let go of the pain, anger, and ultimately, the sadness that plagues us? I don't have an answer, yet.

I do know that the most important thing parents can do is to never walk away from their kids no matter what age, stage of life, no matter what circumstance or temptation. Abandonment has so many different meanings that people don't consider and so many resulting emotions.

I wrote a part of a song shortly after my dad died, here are the lyrics so far:

I wrapped my hand around your finger, like I had you wrapped around mine
I cry for the laugh I want to hear just one more time
I am broken with out Daddy
I am broken, cause' I'm Daddy's little girl

But where does that get me? I was broken before and am broken now. My life has been a roller coaster of events and emotions, but my general position remains stagnant. So now what?