Self-Definition

I spent a lot of time in junior high and high school filling notebooks with other peoples' words.  Whether it was what someone said at school or my "quotes" notebook, my words never seemed to have as much impact or worth as everyone else's words.  Sometimes a quote or a song mimics exactly how you are feeling but sometimes, there are just no quotes already written.  Sometimes, you have to find your own words to describe your own, imperfectly balanced life.

It's far easier to read words of inspiration and love from other people than it is to sit down and really think about what words describe what you are going through.  It's overwhelmingly easier to skim through quotes of disappointment and heartache than it is to rationalize or even be irrationally eloquent with your own words.

The number of people I have allowed to define me in my brief existence is overwhelming.  I never cared to look up who most of the people were, why they said the quote that liked so much, or even whether or not these were people who I should allow to define me.  At the time, I think a combination of short-sightedness, immaturity, and fear kept me researching these individuals and the context of the words.  In this one little sentence, out of context, separated from a potentially wonderful or evil speaker, just maybe, it felt like someone else knew how I was feeling.  Perhaps, I was not as alone.  The words provided a glimmer of hope.

Occasionally, I still turn to quotes, when I have little energy and need an attitude adjustment.  Sometimes, I allow myself to share my own words.  Now, when I look at quotes, said or written by people who's names I am now familiar with, I can choose a little more rationally as to whether or not I should allow those words to apply to me and in what context.  It's strange - choosing between a safety rail of what someone else said or exposing and owning my own feelings, thoughts, and contexts.

I'm not sure if it's culture or human nature that keeps me from speaking exactly what is on my mind.  I think it's comfort that finally does allow me to be honest or, at the very least, expressive.  My own comfort with myself and my audience determines what comes out of my mouth, what I type, or how much honesty I provide to the conversation.  I am still working on defining myself and allowing myself to give life to my own feelings and thoughts through words.  It is, possibly, the most difficult journey I can embark on.  No matter what I am going through, how do I tell you in exactly the correct way?