Changes and Processes

As most of you are aware, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer last June, she underwent surgery, did the radiation and chemo bit, continued chemo throughout the year, had a healthy MRI.  Then, about  two or three weeks ago, her next MRI revealed that the "used to be small" tumor had tripled in size.  Her doctors decided to take a systemic approach and now she is receiving intravenous chemo treatments about every two weeks.  We will evaluate with MRIs along the way and decide what to do next when we get those results.  This is the medical side of it all.  Then there is the emotional side that I have not been willing to face head on, rather I have been analyzing it.  Perhaps this morning's phone call, or finally taking a minute to catch up on my aunt's blog inspired me to try to analyze it in writing.

My mom is sick.  This comes after losing my dad and both of my grandmas (Nonnie and Grandma, for distinction).  After helping with Grandma's care as Power of Attorney, I was ready to start law school and grow up like a normal 23 year old.  I wanted to take a step back.  That, however, was not God's plan for me, nor for my family.

Fast forward to now with the regrowing tumor.  My mom gets more confused than she used to.  She gets frustrated because she can't do the work she used to define herself by.  She was an accountant and defining herself through anything else has never been something she had to think about.  She has turned into a woman with brain cancer.  I don't mean this in the way that she just can't do accounting anymore.  I mean that she is redefining herself as a woman with brain cancer, because she can't be the accountant anymore.  I struggle to encourage her from 1700 miles away that she is so much more than an accountant and that brain cancer can't define her.

My grandpa and his wife have been taking her to her doctor's appointments, trying to get her finances sorted out, trying to keep her insurance from getting cancelled all-together.  There are resources for these things, but apparently they were resources that they were not willing to use and it has all become too much for them to handle.  Understandable for two elderly individuals.  Fortunately, to some extent I anticipated this and have been exploring other options.  Unfortunately, they apparently see this is passing the baton rather than making sure my mom gets the opportunity to adjust to a new situation, whatever that new situation may be.  My mom may be more confused and repeat herself, but that doesn't mean she isn't still a 53 year old woman who has been independent her entire life.

This morning I received a call from my grandpa's wife, with whom my relationship has always been tenuous.  She explained everything that I knew was going on with my mom, then told me that I need to go, get my mom, and bring her 1700 miles away from what she knows, and I need to do this right away.  I told her that I was in school, I can come when school is out, about a month from now, but something needs to happen on that end in the meantime.  Someone needs to talk to my mom about this situation and prepare her to make decisions on her home that she has there, the animals she has there, the life that she has spent the past 20 years building.  I was told that this was my responsibility now, not theirs.  They weren't going to tell her about their decision and want me to make a decision for my mom, without giving her any option.

Putting aside my anger and hostility and frustration for "family" dynamics and why my grandpa couldn't talk to me about this or at least make this a process that we work on together, the main concern is that I can tell my mom to do a million things or one thing and I still can't be there to make sure it gets done.  Not right now.  I can't be there to support her in this huge transition that she didn't ask for.  She doesn't deserve to have to hear this over the phone.  And regardless of even all that, I am her daughter and she is my mom.  We have 23 years of that relationship and, although I know my mom respects my opinion and trusts me, it's nearly impossible, not to mention wrong of me, to demand that she see me as an adult who is going to be making decisions for her.  My mom never even rearranged the furniture in our house when I was growing up, this change of relationship certainly can't happen over the phone.  How am I supposed to take a baton with no baggage when human nature and relationships are involved?  My mom is a human with feelings and a past and a future and deserves to be treated that way.  She isn't just a body with brain cancer that is hard to be patient with.

I'm not sure what my mom's next step will be, besides finishing this round of chemo treatments.  The medical side is easy to make decisions on, it's the human side that seems to have created the struggle.  I don't know what will happen to our home or the animals, I don't know if my mom will make the trek to the West Coast or tootle on over to her best friend's house, four blocks away.  Regardless of any of this, she is a person who needs to know and be involved in decisions that involve her.  She is a very long way away from having decisions made about her, without her.  And I am a very long way from telling my mom what to do when I am 1700 miles away from the aftermath.

This needs to be a process, as everything needs to be.  And people need to re-learn that my mom is a person, not a ball of brain cancer.

My Couch

Living in a small apartment has made me obsessed with storage options, shelving, and pinterest.  I have three bookshelves full of books, two of which are stacked double deep.  I have a cast iron shelving unit designated for kitchen supplies and another massive shelving unit up on the wall that my boyfriend built for more storage.  I have a lot of stuff but I have recently realized that when I am on vacation where none of my stuff is around, I feel so much more at ease in those spaces.  As a result, I am trying to clear out some of the unnecessary furniture that I either inherited or acquired due to its freeness.  I've removed the coffee table that was about three feet too big for the apartment and the next thing to go is the futon.  I am so ready to get rid of this futon that I am wondering if I even need something to replace it.  I am torn between a leather loveseat that has a pull out bed, a Lovesac, but I am not above getting some big floor cushions and just hanging my hammock on the wall for people to lay in if they want to stay over at my house.

I love the breathing room I feel like I have when there is not all the emotions attached to "stuff" in my house but it's also hard to get rid of things that have sentimental value.

Has anyone else ever struggled with this?  What are your solutions?

Top 10 Ways to Distract Myself and Waste Time

These are not in the order that I prefer to distract myself, in fact, they may not be in any order at all.  If they are in order, it's the order of how often I do them.

1) Watching Netflix
     This is such a waste of time.  I get nothing out of this, but sometimes I just need to check out;      however, I check out way too often.
2) Facebook
     Not a lot of positive reasons that this takes up so much of my time; however, it is extremely helpful to keep in contact with my family and friends that I don't get to see very often.
3) The beach
     This is actually an alright way (in my mind) for me to distract myself.  Being out in the sunshine, hanging out with my dog, and getting a bit of exercise in can't be all bad.  It is especially good for me to clear my head and relax!
4) Spending time with family/friends
     I've been doing a lot more of this lately.  While it does "distract" me from getting homework done, there's a lot to be said for family time.
5) Attempting and failing to do projects I find on Pinterest
     This is fun to do and usually ends in huge disasters and messes.
6) Photography
     Gratifying.
7) Sleeping
     Seriously, I wish I just powered down everything else and did this more often.
8) Working out
     I always feel SO good after working out.  I just need to remember this when I am watching Netflix!
9) Cooking
     Experimenting, fire, food.  Does it really get much better?
10) Taking an excessive number of showers.
     When I am really unmotivated, sometimes the only thing that gets me motivated is taking showers.  It's almost like restarting the day, I guess.

Reading used to be on this list, but school has ruined reading for me at this point.  I look forward to the day when reading will once again top my list of procrastination techniques.

I am trying to get motivated to move working out, photography, and the beach higher on my list.  Perhaps the solution to that problem is to move sleeping higher on my list.

A flashback

I had a weird moment today.
A moment I haven't had in a while
I made a phone call to my mom and she didn't answer
So my first thought
Was to call my dad

It's been four years since I have seen him.
It's been four years since I heard his voice
It's been four years since I have been able to call him
It's been four years since he called me
It's been four years

I think of my dad every day
I think of how much I miss him
And I think of all the things I want to share with him
I think of how much I wish he was here
But I haven't thought to call

It's been four years.

Holiday Home

Life goal #. . . who am I kidding I've lost count.

Own a home big enough, somewhere, that all my families can come share holidays.

Things I Had Before

As Christmas is quickly approaching, I'm studying for finals (or should be, instead of writing this. . . ), figuring out what to get for family and friends, and trying to answer the questions of what I want for Christmas.

This year I've discovered Amazon wish list, which I have stocked with items to fill my new found adulthood desires (a vacuum that you don't have to push?  Duh, of course I need that).  The strange thing is, though, that everything I want for Christmas doesn't show up on my wish list.  

Everything I want are things that I used to have.  I want my memories to manifest themselves as little worlds that I could go back to and hang out in whenever I felt the need to ride my bike along side my dad while he ran, or call up my mom and not have the word Cancer be part of the conversation.  I want a moment where I feel Nonnie, my grandma, wrapping me up in a towel after a swim.  I want an argument with my other Grandma about whether or not Obama should be king of the world.  I want a tree in my front yard that I can climb and hang out in when I'm having a rough day.

I had so many years where sad things happened to people around me but it was like I was invincible.  My pain was trivial and even then I had such an appreciation for that.

I am so profoundly grateful for the people that are in my life, who have helped me through struggles.  I am so grateful for my families who continue to look out for me.

Now being in law school, my classmates and I are defined as Law Students, and that's how I thought of everyone before me who I knew was in law school.  Now being in that bubble, every person in there is not just a Law Student, every person has a family and a life outside that complicates things just a bit.  Law school would be pretty easy if it were three isolated years of studying.  I'm thankful for the humanity that I've found in my classmates and even some of my professors.

Even with all that I am learning and loving about law school, I still want a moment of pure wonder where I believe that Rudolph will guide Santa's sleigh, and that if I just took the television screen off, I could crawl in to be part of my favorite shows.

Now I look forward to the future and what I want next but there is a continual struggle of wishing things were a little bit more like they used to be.

One thing that hasn't changed about my Christmas list since I was able to speak, I guess, is that I still want a pony.

Tough Mudder!

I signed up for the Tough Mudder at the end of July. My boyfriend was creating a team and basically told me there was no way I would be able to do it. Well if you know me at all, when someone says I can't do something all I hear is, "Do it or die a failure" and I don't fail. Everyone I told that we were doing it told us that we were crazy but were pretty encouraging. So many people said they would do it with me but backed out. I ended up being the only girl on my team with my boyfriend and two other friends.

I joined a gym, did a ton of crossfit workouts and was still feeling very unprepared for the challenge. When we got to the start line, there was a wall to get over before we could even start. Just trying to get over that, I thought there was no way I was going to be able to do this. Then the MC started talking. He talked about how we were there to support the Wounded Warrior project, how he has seen men with no legs complete the mudder, and how when we think we can't go on, it's mental strength that will get us through. That did it for me; that flipped a switch. After the last three years of my life, going 12 miles based on mental strength would not be an issue. It was certainly the most physically challenging thing I have ever been through but mentally, it was a breeze. You just do it and you push on to the next obstacle. This event was even mentally easier than losing my dad and both my grandmas because the Tough Mudder promises a finish line and a tangible sense of accomplishment in the form of the coveted orange headband.

Over 8 and 9 foot walls, over and under logs, through trenches and small crawl spaces, through rivers and lakes, electrocution, mud pits, and up a massive quarter pipe, we persevered. At about mile six when I was pretty tired, two bald eagles flew overhead. The Wounded Warrior Project was represented and for me, my Dad and Grandma were telling me to keep pushing forward. And I did, another six miles and 12 obstacles from that point. I finished with my amazing team.

I am bruised and battered but ready to sign up for Tough Mudder number two!

My sense of accomplishment obviously comes from completing the course but also being part of such an amazing event. Teamwork and positive attitudes were everywhere I ran on that course. I have never been in such an encouraging environment! It made me smile the ENTIRE race. At the mile 9 water station, the guy handing me water said, "Oh you're still smiling, you're going to be just fine!" I was still smiling because no matter how physically tough it was, it was FUN! My fellow mudders encouraged me and helped me along the way as I did for them. We joked and ran the challenge together. I feel so awesome for being able to be a part of that organization. I hope SO many more people join us in July for their Mudder #1 as we take on our Mudder #2.