I hope for less

Over the past week, people who I care about tremendously from my home town have suffered horrible losses.  Both of the deaths that occurred to leave the feeling of emptiness and confusion were also people that I cared greatly about.  I cared about them because they were amazing individuals who would have given the shirt off their backs if you asked.  They were both very different men, in the way they lived their lives, but their hearts were both huge.  Each man deserves his own recognition, separate from the other.  They should not be given half the praise because they are connected by dying at a similar time.  We should never be defined by death.  But now that they are gone, the living must go on, even if it's one shuffle at a time.

My true heartache goes to those who are left to suffer the repercussions of their deaths.  Amazing and wonderful people are left to pick up the pieces and figure out how to march on with their own lives without the life of their husband, father, brother, friend.  I am sad for the situations that created this loss.  I am sad for those who are gone, but I am overcome with grief for my friends living an entirely new life.

I just cannot find a way to express how much I wish I could cure the pain.

I have seen three Facebook statuses today asking we all want more of in 2014.  While thinking about it I realized that everything that I want more of comes by wanting less.

I want less pain in 2014.
I want less loss.
I want less stuff in 2014, as simplicity is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
I want less MUST DOs so that we can enjoy our why nots.
I want less leaving behind in 2014 even with our moving forward.
I want less pressure to remember the good times so that the good times can just be.
I want less sadness, fewer reasons for grief, fewer broken hearts.
I certainly want less confusion.
I want less distance between those we love and ourselves.  

I want a lot less.

Wanting more is what's left me here.

So here's to living a lot better with a lot less.

Gratitude.

I tried to write a Christmas letter to put into my Christmas card this year, but I couldn't figure out how to put this year into a holiday letter.  Do I write everything?  I can't do that because some things are sad and don't belong in a letter that starts off, "Merry Christmas!"
Do I write only the good things?  I can't do that either because, well then it would be such a fake letter. So, the few Christmas cards I send out will be sent sans letter.  While I was thinking about writing that letter, though, I thought a lot about what I might include, if I wrote one.  Despite all of the things that happened this year, I can't help but find that, even though I am terrified of moving forward, I have so much to be thankful for - and I feel those feelings of gratitude more deeply than anything else right now.  These are in no particular order - no one is allowed to get cranky over where I placed my thankfulness.

I am so thankful for my fiancé.  We didn't make it through having my mom and her tumor live with us completely unscathed, but we learned from the scars we exchanged.  I have a deeper understanding of him, who he is, and who he wants to become - and I love every part of that.  When I have days where there is nothing more I can give to the world, he doesn't feel sorry for me.  He pushes me to get out and do something, even if it's just for myself.  I am grateful that he is willing to commit himself to me.  I am grateful to have that security.  I am so grateful for that love.

I am thankful for my friends from school.  School was brutal this semester.  Starting out the year trying to figure out classes while taking care of my mom was nearly impossible.  Doing homework on top of that was sometimes too much to ask.  In law school, where getting a good grade means other people have to do poorly, competition is inherent in the culture.  Finding good friends who aren't mentally competing against you can come few and far between.  I am incredibly lucky to have found three amazing ladies who have pushed me through this semester and have given me more notes and assistance than I could have ever asked for.   They have not just been there academically, they came to support me when my mom passed.  They came to support me when she was still around.  When I couldn't get home, one of them even came and hung out with my mom for me.  One of them helped me go through old pictures and even helped me put furniture together.  The other was willing to sing for my mom and my family at her funeral.  I am honored that these three ladies are my friends.

I am thankful for my fiancé's family.  They have always been people that I love and care about and enjoy spending time with, but they have really taken me under their wings this year.  I always considered them family in my mind, but having such a small nuclear family growing up and being such a private person, I never really knew what it was like to add people to that category in my heart.  I am finally feeling like they are more than just my fiancé's family - I finally feel like they are becoming my family not only in the way I think of them, but in the way I feel about them.  (Okay I can't help but put a terrible not funny to most people but funny to me joke in here - with my family dropping like flies, it's good I can branch out! - sorry, I won't do it again).

I am thankful for my family.  I'm not just thankful for them in the way that many people are thankful for their families - I am thankful that I have been able to develop relationships with my family members so that they are becoming my friends.  Being an adult with family members as close friends is amazing.  Seeing as how I have a giant family, it's hard to go through everyone and why I am grateful for them without spending a year writing that post but my uncles and aunts and cousins are so special to me.  After losing my grandmas and my parents, I really feel the value of my family members more than ever.  They are my ties to those who I miss, the are my co-commiserators, my fellow adventurers, my cheerleaders, and my checkpoints.  I am so lucky to have a family that "gets" me.

I am so thankful for everyone who has supported me even what may seem like small ways.  My mock trial team, my classmates, my acquaintances have gone out of their way to be supportive of me, offer condolences, get me out of my own head, and pick up slack where I left it.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

I am grateful for where I live, that I have the opportunity to be in law school, that I have great career opportunities presenting themselves, and that I get to grow a bit more, every single day.

This year may have had many trials but for me, it is really ending all about gratitude.  I have countless things and people to be thankful for and that adds overwhelming beauty to my life.

Thank you all.  Thank you all, for everything, because every little thing has made such a difference in my life.

10 Things No One Tells You About Getting Engaged

Getting engaged is awesome, amazing, and wonderful when it's you and the person of your dreams focusing on spending the rest of your lives together.  Then there are the things that no one warns you about.  For those of you not engaged yet, WARNING:

1.  Prepare the date you are going to get married before you actually agree to get married.  I recommend this because if you tell someone 30 seconds after you got engaged that you got engaged, they will want to know when the wedding is, what your colors are, and whether there will be an open bar.

2.  For serial "yes" sayers like me, being engaged will either smother you into panic or teach you the "n" word.  Everyone wants to help, and that's awesome, but there are some moments that are going to be personal for me and I only want certain people involved.  Back off - because I don't want to feel guilty for not inviting you.  If you want to help, start a wedding fund or something.

3.  Everyone wants to know when you will start having children.  Hey, how about I get married first?  Also, I'm sorry, but did you just ask me when I am going to have sex?  Tomorrow, or never, mind your own business.

4.  Every conversation starts about being engaged, and this can get awkward.  I went to buy paper at a local office supply store that I have gone to for years.  The gal at the counter squealed when she saw my ring, asked about my fiancé, asked how it happened, asked about the wedding…blah blah blah.  Then she asked what I was getting and what I needed it for.  "I need nice paper to print programs for my mom's funeral."  "Oh my God I'm so sorry."  Mmmhmm.  Anything else you'd like to know about my life?

5.  If you are wearing an engagement ring, be prepared to be dragged around like your arm is a leash for a few weeks.  Seriously.  Do some shoulder work outs to be able to keep it raised for awhile because your hand no longer belongs to you.

6.  Get business cards with your engagement story printed on them.  This way, your story stays special and you remember the details.  After repeating it 500,000 times, it loses the glitz and glamour it had the first time you heard yourself say it.  For me, my engagement story is sweet, romantic, and really defines my fiancé and my relationship and I want to keep that special.  No - I am not really getting business cards printed, but I think it's okay to keep the memories between you and the people who matter.

7.  No matter how far off your wedding is, it feels like everything needs to be planned right now.  Advertisements on our clever computers, incessant questioning about what we are going to do, and my Type A personality make me want to get everything lined up and finished - even though my wedding is not for two and half years.

8.  Saying the "f" word for the first time is weird.  Not that "f" word.  Fiancé.  It took me a few days to even say it.  It's still sinking in.

9.  People treat you differently.  It's as if you have become an adult through this magical ring on your finger.  I'm still ME people!  I'm still immature and crazy!  I may know who I want to be with for the rest of my life but I did yesterday, too, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes.  Did you just not believe me before?

10.  Being engaged can be a stage in an of itself.  Dating then marriage doesn't have to be the way it is. I am still working on this (as I have only been engaged two weeks…) but why can't we slow down and just enjoy being engaged without worrying about a wedding and being married and having children?  I want to appreciate the fact that someone loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me without jumping to that result.  I want to have fun being engaged and staying in love.  Sure, engagement is a transitional phase, but what's the rush?

Eulogy for My Mom

Dear God,

I wrote you once before about my Dad, about how I just wasn’t ready to let him go and how I just didn’t understand what had happened.  I’ve changed a lot in the last five years, God, and though I have no more answers, I have more peace.  Instead of begging you for more time or more understanding, I’d like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to know my mom in a truly unique way. 

I would like to share this with you. 

I want to explain how much I know that she is a survivor.  That sounds strange here, now, without her standing next to me, but she is a survivor in ways I think few people can claim to be. 

My mom grew up the only girl with four brothers.  Perhaps, Lord, this is where and how she learned to be such a survivor.  Because not only did you give her four brothers, you gave her four brothers in a navy family and put her smack dab in the middle.  And not only that, but these brothers are all complete opposites – and you gave her the skills and patience and understanding to love AND LIKE each one of them. And you made her strong enough to be a person each one of them could love in return.

Being in this navy family, she learned how survive meeting new people and having to leave them behind.  She survived and learned to keep looking forward to the next stage of life – the next adventure – not necessarily because she wanted to but because that is what she did, as a survivor.  You take what you are given and you move forward.  You move forward in whatever way you can until you convince yourself that that is what you wanted and that you are happy.  And then you are happy – because you survived the rough parts. 

And perhaps it is this survival instinct that taught her to never quit something you start and never give up on something you believe in. Through these characteristics I saw my mom agonize over things that she believed in.  I saw my mom pour her heart and soul into people, places, and things that she never wanted to give up on.  I saw her blind faith change lives and I saw it hurt her own life for the sake of others. Through this, Lord, my mom taught me balance.  How to survive and give of yourself all at once. 

Perhaps her final lesson was having to learn to survive through trusting other people.  She never had to doubt the accuracy of her mind – numbers, emotions, intuitions, advice giving, were always right on the money.  When the cancer started to take hold, she became scared and skeptical and sad.  To make it through each day she had to trust that she would be taken care of – that even though her own mind was not giving her the right answers, someone else might be able to give her those answers. 

When she had to do this, she really showed how much of a survivor she was because I am not sure she ever learned this lesson.  The lesson that came through to me was that she trusted herself and believed in herself and her own abilities above all else.  Even though this made it difficult sometimes to deal with her, it was incredible to see her push through every single limitation anyone tried to put on her. 

Before I’m done, Lord, I also want to tell her how sorry I am that I couldn’t fix her when the cancer took over.  I want to tell her how sorry I am that I wasn’t always patient with her trusting herself instead of trusting in me.  I want my mom to know that the reason I got so frustrated was because she taught me to trust myself in the same way she trusted herself.  I’m so sorry that I didn’t repay those skills to her when she needed me to.  I’m sorry that I didn’t show her that I trusted in her at the end.  I wanted to believe that her physical body still held the mom that I could debate with, laugh with, and trust with my own problems.  I still wanted my mom there, because as I saw her body there, I expected so much of that body.  When her body couldn’t live up to her spirit, my spirit did not live up to her own surviving faith in herself.   

Though she is not standing next to me now, I still call my mom a survivor because she survived losing hope of recovery – and Lord I know she survives still, with you.  I knew the moment she took her last breath that she became more alive than she had been in months – because I felt her strong spirit, unencumbered by a fragile body, finally at peace.  And because I knew her spirit survived and was at peace, she showed me once again that surviving isn’t just about the moment you think is the end, it’s about what you do after it’s all over.  Survival is about losing hope then remembering there is still something good.  Feeling my mom’s spirit surviving brings me peace because finally, she is with my dad – two souls that I now know are meant to survive together. Lord, I may be sad sometimes, but it is no longer sadness for my mom.  When I am sad, it is selfish sadness because I miss her being here next to me, in person.  Lord, I pray that you teach me to trust in her survival enough to know that she is always here with me – holding me and pushing me to survive as well as she does.

I can feel her surviving, God, and perhaps she is with you, now because you needed a survivor among your ranks.  She still survives here on earth, though, because she left so much of herself in every person she met, every person who loved her, and every person who will ever hear her story.  She survives as a part of each of us – in every decision we make to not give up, to keep fighting either for ourselves or for someone else.  Every time we decide to keep moving forward in our lives it will be because she gives us the strength to find the strength within ourselves.

I miss my mom, God, but I know that I, too, will survive, because she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Amen.

Back to School

Today was my first full day back in classes.  It's strange to try to figure out where I can fit now.  I am behind in reading and studying.  Everyone wants to give me hugs.  I'd rather be snuggling at home with my puppy.

I'm still in denial.  It hasn't hit me yet that my parents are both really gone.  I've been so busy with planning and catching up and making sure paperwork is in order that I haven't had time to process what has really happened.  I'm not sure there is a convenient time to lose someone but three weeks before midterms wasn't it.  

Kids around school complain the same complaints that I've said myself a thousand times - "nothing is worse..."

There are worse things than reading and midterms and working on a career.  Really, there are.  It's all relative.  

Things can get pretty depressing if you focus on all of that, though, so what I really want to put are three things that I am very thankful for today.  This will a) help me facilitate my denial and b) remind me that life goes on (which might also apply to (a)).

1.  My cousin has been here since Saturday.  

Although he wasn't able to make it in time to say goodbye to my mom, it has been amazing having my cousin here because I haven't had to be alone yet.  When he comes around I go into hyper-productive mode and get things done that I have wanted to do for a very long time.  I am always grateful when he is here because he is always looking on the bright side of things and is up for anything.

2.  My friends are the best ever.

My friends have been taking notes for me, bringing me food, giving lots of hugs, and basically being "on call" whenever I have needed them.  I seriously could not have created better friends if I had tried.  One friend even, somehow, ends up showing up whenever I have a big project going and she doesn't hesitate to jump right in.

3.  I was given tools to persevere.

My parents always taught me to finish what I start so even though I am SO overwhelmed with figuring out car titles, insurance, death certificates, school work, regular work, family time, grocery shopping, laundry, putting my house back together... I know I have to put my nose to the grindstone to get it all done and make sure it is done right.  Planning and scheduling are my new best friends.  

4.  Bonus thankfulness - My Mom's friends are wonderful!

I have received so much love and support from people who have known my mom far longer than I have been alive and for that, I cannot thank them enough.  

Mostly True Facts About My Mom

Facts about my mom.  They come in waves so someday this post will be complete...


Her favorite color was green.
Her eyes were so sparkling blue with a small dot of brown in her left eye.
She ran track in high school.  She was a sprinter, but terrible at distance running.
She broke her right foot both times she tried to ice skate.
She had her own bowling ball with her name on it.
Her favorite teacher was her fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Greenhoot.
She hated dresses as a child.
She was born in St. Louis, Missouri and spent a few years growing up with her grandparents in a small river town.
She was a Navy child, trekking across country with her four brothers, her parents, and their cat in a station wagon.
She was the middle child of five and the only girl.

Her biggest fear was frogs and toads.

She started going gray at 17 years old.

Last Memories

I am starting this entry because, as my last entry indicated, I am afraid of forgetting.  Everything special that happens with my mom I am going to post here because I want to remember it.  This post is for me so it might seem like I am posting minuscule things, but they are important to me.

On another note, after losing my dad about 5 years ago, I started keeping a journal of special memories and answers to questions I might want to know someday.  I can't tell you all how much this has helped me deal with the loss of my mom because I know that, even though I will not get to ask her all the questions I have later in life, I took the time to ask what I could think of when I had the chance.

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9/15 My mom raised her arm to try to scratch her nose.  I scratched it for her and asked if that was better.  She said, "That's better."  I then told her I loved her and though she didn't vocalize it, she mouthed, "love you."

9/16 She squeezed my hand while I was talking to her, blinked her eyes at me, and even opened them for a second.  She was trying to scratch her face again and mouthed, "thank you" when I did it.  Somehow I feel like she is more aware in these final days than she has been the past month.

9/16  She smiled when I told her we were taking her home.  She talked a little bit and most was indecipherable but I definitely heard, "cats" and "finally" and "thank you."

9/16  I went to go to class, got into the parking lot and turned around to come back to my mom.  I can miss out on having time to grieve but I can't miss out on having time to talk to my mom.  When I got back she smiled and grabbed my hand.  Then we scratched her itchy face a bit more.

9/16  We got my mom home, safe and sound.  We got her set up in bed and Theodore came and laid with her.  I got to see her smile and realize she was home.  She also told me she loves me.  I get to go to sleep tonight knowing she is just in the next room.